Either the Rapture happened, or a naked dude is walking around
For those of you who’ve been caught up in your busy lives and lost track of time…don’t forget the rapture’s coming on the 21st. This is phase 2. (Remember, phase 1 was 6 months ago when god pre-judged all 6+ billion of us. I guess the last 6 months has been mostly the Cosmic All HR department processing the paperwork. That means that all you evil-doers who’ve been extra special good for the last 6 months are going to have to wait until the end of the next review period to get credit for your good works. Until then enjoy your eternity of flame and torture).
Note for all of you who are going to be raptured (you know who you are), you
The Rapture's REALLY coming this time
should really leave your material goods to someone (ooh me, pick me, pick me, pick meeeee!). Otherwise, your dick of a neighbor (the one whose dog barks ALL night) is gonna jack your car and break into your house to try on all your underwear…we won’t even think about what he’s gonna do when he finds that video tape (you know…that one, from when the two of you were over-the-top tipsy after the 1995 christmas party…yeah that one). And your cell phone bill next month…don’t even open it!
Where was I? Oh yeah…if you leave all your stuff to me, I promise to take care of it like it was my very own, because it will be. So here’s what you do:
- Take a blank piece if paper (or really any piece of paper)
- Write today’s date on it somewhere
- Write ” I leave all my stuff to that Cats’ Concert dude from like…the web, especially all my precious metals, luxury cars, cash, and cell phones. I don’t leave anything to my dick of a neighbor whose dog keeps me up all night barking.”
- Sign it and post it on your refrigerator before you go to bed the night of the 20th.
Thanks dude!